Quote by J.T.E

"Don't promise me, surprise me."  These words of wisdom were spoken by a child; my littlest sister, to be exact.  Her name is Joy, but we sometimes call her J.T.E.  It stands for Joy The Eliminator.  We call her that because she was the first one in our family who was brave enough to go through our spice cabinets and pantry, and throw out the food that, in some cases was outdated by more than 10 years!

This was unthinkable to a family that substituted quantity for quality for as long as we've ever known.  But Joy prematurely learned that life was much simpler and more manageable if people could just "cut the crap," so to speak.  "Don't promise me, surprise me," was the ONE thing she said that my dad is CERTAIN to NEVER forget.  She coined that unforgettable phrase after waiting for my dad to pick her (and her unsuspecting friend) up after a softball practice.  Her and her poor friend waited on the side of a very public road from 5-9 p.m. when they were only 8 years old.  Four hours to them probably seemed like an eternity!  They told us all about the creepy truck that kept driving by them, again and again, filling their little hearts with fear and angst as they wondered if they'd ever see their families again.

Being the youngest of five children, Joy often thought we wouldn't even notice if she disappeared, and sadly enough, she was partially right.  She DID actually sneak away (across the street to the same friend's house) and quietly experimented with the likelyhood of her aching suspicion until she decided to end the experiment on her own accord and came home a day and a half later after not being sought after even once.

She told me this story years later and I still feel her sadness.  I actually own a bumper sticker that says, "Some days all I want to be is a missing person," and something tells me that I, too feel like an eleventh finger.  I sometimes complicate life so much that ending it seems like the only way out. 

I'm not much of a quitter, so I just procrastinate plan A and move on to plan B, which I'd like to believe would be to just disappear.  When I come to the conclusion that people might actually MISS me (in their own sweet time, no less) and in the mean time things could actually get EASIER for the people I like to make things really complicated for, I move on to plan C.  This is the BEST plan...  I get RID of the little things that KEEP me from enjoying the simple pleasures in life.  I've found that these THINGS are, in actuality, really THINGS! 

CLUTTER KILLS!!!  My life is FULL of THINGS I don't REALLY need!  My hard drive was so FULL of CRAP this morning, that I couldn't even do my art in photoshop until I DELETED programs I didn't even know I had and RARELY, if EVER had even used.

This is where the deep thought came in; J.T.E. was RIGHT!!!  But I DARE not PROMISE that I'll REALLY get my house in order, but when I do, I'll write all about it with FERVOR and euphoria.  I think I'll even throw in a couple of before and after pictures because, after all, a picture's worth a thousand words. 

Stephen Marley visits me in my darkest hours of regret for all the promises I haven't kept in the lyrics to one of his songs; "If you think that I was lost, I just had to bear my cross, now I'm free from all these chains." 

What are the chains that keep you down?

There's really no time like the present to enjoy the gift of your own life.  Own it proudly with no promises attached, and let the surprises turn your frown upside down!

Qoute by L.L.L

"I have never before so proudly owned anything, but my own life."

(found on the last page of my high school journal written @ 2:10 A.M 10/1/95)

Who is Lady LotstoLearn?

I am a wife, mother of two, daughter, sister,

friend.  I am an Aunt, a cousin, RAD DISC

GOLFER, a DREAMER 'til the end.  I'm starting

my own business,  I count chickens before they

hatch, I've got a lot of value, just never any cash.

  I still enjoy my lemonade, for I've got a lot of

lemons. My time's run out, without a doubt, I'll

hold that thought, I'm off to trot......

     to be continued..............

Letting Go

It was my 16th birthday, I was having cake and ice cream with my family at home.  My mom gave me a card that she made herself: handmade paper with rose petals and an angel sticker on the front, underneath my name, Faith, spelled out in cursive and brown glitter.

I opened it with reluctance, knowing intuitively that this was no ordinary card...  this was the deed to a new life.

I felt like I should save it and open it later, in the privacy of my own curiosity.  No chance.  She sat watching, along with my older brother, 2 little sisters, my dad, my step-dad and the family dog.  So I started to read...

To My Precious Daughter Faith,

          "The Gift

       It was a warm summer day  when the gods placed it in her hands.  She trembled with emotion as she saw  how fragile it appeared.  This was a very special gift the gods were entrusting to her.  A gift that would one day belong to the world.  Until then, they instructed her, she was to be her guardian  and  protector.  The woman  said  she  understood and  reverantly  took it home, determined to live up to the faith the gods had placed in her.

       At first she barely let it out of her sight, protecting it from anything she perceived to be harmful to it's well-being; watching with fear in her heart when it was exposed to the environment outside of the sheltered cacoon she had formed around it.  But the woman began to realize that she could not shelter it forever.  It needed to learn to survive the harsh elements in order to grow strong.  So with gentle care she gave it more space to grow, enough to allow it to grow wild and untamed.

      Sometimes she would lie in bed at night, feelings of inadequacy overwhelming her.  She wondered if she was capable of handling the awesome responsibility placed on her.  Then she would hear the quiet whispers of the gods reassuring her that they knew she was doing her best.  And she would fall asleep feeling comforted.

      The woman grew more at ease with her responsibility as the years passed.  The gift had enriched her life in so many ways by it's very presence that she could no longer remember what her life had been like before receiving it, nor imagine what life would be like without it.  She had all but forgotten her agreement with the gods.

      One day she became aware of how much the gift had changed.  It no longer had a look of vulnerability about it.  Now it seemed to glow with strenght and steadiness, almost as if it were developing a power within.  Month after month she watched as it became stronger and more powerful, and the woman remembered her promise.  She knew deep within her heart that her time with the gift was nearing an end.

      The inevitable day arrived when the gods came to take the gift and present it to the world.  The woman felt a deep sadness, for she would miss it's constant presence in her life.  With heartfelt gratitude, she thanked the gods for allowing her the privalege of watching over the precious gift gor so many years.  Straightening her shoulders, she stood proud, knowing that it was, indeed, a very special gift.  One that would add to the beauty and essence of the world around it.  And the mother let her child go.

                                                        Renee R. Vroman"

Then my mother wrote, I love you, Faith and I'll always be here for you, but I let you go, with love, Mom.

This was precicely the gift I needed right then.  I was 8 weeks pregnant.

Deep Thought by Sweetdreamer

I think I went about this all wrong in the first place, so I welcome myself BACK to the drawing board!  I started writing yesterday, from the source of my splendor, the depths of my soul, with no regret...  Until moments ago, in a feeble attempt to change the appearance of my page, I deleted all my writings.  After feeling Up, then Down about it, I've come Around and now I'm feeling Up again. I've realized I have a new start, a fresh beginning, and THIS time it'll look like I WROTE it!  My writings will be where they were INTENDED to be (not in the comments department).  

This is where the deep thought came in...  Much of life we spend in the comments department... too much talking about it, not enough doing whatever it is you spend so much time talking about doing.  So, this time, I get to write where people plan on reading...  Makes so much sense!  I feel like the blind leading the blind when I fly off the handle like that and do stuff the wrong way to begin with, and then send (5) invites to people to come and see.  Sorry if you were one of them... 

So, I'm writing again.  My well is still running!  This should be interesting...

I'm accustomed to writing in a journal, where I can feel free to "spill the beans" and wite from my inner core, however, writing on the internet is quite a different avenue altogether...  I'll have to really "tone it down" and I also can't expect that you (the reader) will know what I'm talking about until you can first see me in context. 

Since I'm already running out of room to write, I shall save my next entry for that very purpose. 

Stay Tuned, "As the Stomach Turns" will be continued...

And there will ALWAYS be more "Deep Thoughts" by Sweetdreamer on PNN.  Thanks 4 reading, see ya next time!